My Life as a Cave Guardian
by DynaDratina
Summary: A little one-shot dedicated to the guy who stands in front of Cerulean Cave in the FireRed/LeafGreen games. (Trainer sprite ripped by Silentninja)


_My Life as a Cave Guardian_

_ by Joe Foster_

-Intro-  
= = =

Hi. My name is Joe. I'm a simple, down-to-earth guy, the kind that's becoming harder and harder to find around these parts. For some reason I can't fathom, everyone around me seems to be caught up in this 'badass' craze, which first of all seems absolutely ridiculous to me, and makes _them_ look like the idiots in the end. One day, they're perfectly calm and happy with their lives, and the next day they start doing things like challenging Gyms, joining biker gangs, and running all over Kanto without their parents' supervision. But as for me, I can proudly say that I'll never end up the same way, because I like to keep things simple. Sure, I've had my adventurous moments before. (I once fell off Cycling Road after doing an impressive stunt, but I managed to get it right, mind you. Most people would have quit after their third try.) I've been through worse, but it was never anything drastic, nothing I couldn't fix by lunchtime.

But one day (July 1st, 2006 to be exact), my life changed completely. Though oddly enough, I didn't know it at the time. I was just on my usual way to buy groceries, when out of the blue, this guy came up to me and offered me a job. And it was a real job, too — the kind that pays money. And guy looked pretty professional. He had on a gray jumpsuit with a giant red 'R' stitched to the front. He also had these heavy-grade boots, which I noticed immediately, 'cause they're not something you would normally wear in Cerulean City. I mean sure, we have hiking trails and stuff, but unless you spend your entire day drilling through rock, I can't see why you'd need them.

Anyway, I didn't have much time to mull about what this guy was wearing, because the part I was really concerned about was his offer. He wanted me to stand guard in front of a cave for a couple of weeks, after which I'd go home and find a check for one-thousand PokéDollars in my mailbox. Boom. Just like that.

I have to say, the offer tempted me. Mainly because I hadn't had anything better to do in a long time. Like I said before, I'm not a trainer — just a poor twenty-year-old sap who's trying to find his lot in life. And if there's one thing I learned after all these years, it's if an opportunity comes out at you like this, it's best to snatch it before it goes to someone else. And besides, I thought, how hard is it to stand in one spot all day?

Well, it's pretty damn hard.

First off, let's get this straight. I am a regular, average outskirts-of-the-city type of guy. I've lived my entire life in Cerulean City, and I go fishing on the Cape every Saturday. (My mother still thinks I should drop the hobby and get a girlfriend, but that's beside the point.) I've hiked to Mt. Moon and back, and I swim in the river once a week. I have pretty good eyesight too, so if there's anyone who can spot a huge opening in the face of a rock, it's me. So, you can imagine how surprised I was when the guy took me up the river on his motorboat and drove us right to the entrance to Cerulean Cave. It was right there the whole time, in my freaking face, and I didn't even notice. I guess that really says something about my intelligence.

Anyways, the guy makes me get off there and tells me to guard this cave with my life and soul. He also tells me that once I've taken this job there's no turning back, that I'm now an employee of Team whatever, yadda yadda. He didn't tell me what was inside the cave, by the way, which I think was really stupid of him. If I'm going to be a guard, you might as well tell me what the hell I'm guarding. I mean, if it's a time bomb or something important, then I'm bound to do my job with a lot more enthusiasm. Idiot.

The guy also tells me that if anyone passes by and wants to enter the cave, I should try to deter them at all costs. He put emphasis on the last three words, so I could tell that he meant business. And then he just got back on his boat and left. No 'thank you', no kind word of advice or anything. It was just me, all alone, standing like a statue in front of a cave.

-Day 1-  
= = =

So I'm standing in front of Cerulean Cave, with Cerulean City barely a mile away, right where I can still see the tips of the buildings. My watch already reads 2:30, which means it's past lunchtime, and my mom's probably wondering where I am. The minute I start thinking about her, I get sort of nervous, because if my _mom_ gets nervous, then I'm screwed. We've sort of agreed on a routine over the past two years, which is that I'm supposed to be home for breakfast, dinner, and sleep, while being allowed to do all the roaming I want in my free time. Of course, she expects me to be looking for purposeful activities (a.k.a jobs) in that free time, so I really don't get the point of her rule. If I just so happen to find a job that's really important, and it takes more than a few hours of my time, then what would she have me do? Leave it?

After a while, though, I stop worrying, since I know her momentary suffering will pay off in the end. When I get the money, I mean. Just thinking about those thousand dollars sitting in my mailbox makes me stand taller. I wonder why I haven't looked into cave guarding as a profession.

By mid-afternoon, I start to get bored, and begin to zone out. I stare off into space, though there's nothing much to see. Just the same old grass, river, and trees all around. (I always thought it was kinda cool how there's a mountain right behind me, then in front of me the land's all flat.) It's also really hot outside. And here's some bad news. There are no clouds whatsoever, so no chance of rain. Just me standing there sweating all day. And I can't go swim in the river, because lately, for some reason, something in the water's been biting me. At first it was no big deal, but now the bruises keep taking longer to go away. I don't think you want to hear about that, so I'll stop there.

Night rolls around pretty quickly around these parts, and guess what? I have nowhere to sleep! So I lie down right there on the spot. I know, it's really lame. The one thing I'm happy about is that nothing has crawled out of the cave to devour me yet. Though I'm still trying to deduce what could be inside. I started hearing noises from there a couple hours back, but it might just be the heat messing with me.

-Day 2-  
= = =

The next morning, I wake up. After my initial oh-my-God-I'm-in-front-of-a-freaking-cave-why-did-I-take-this-stupid-job mental breakdown was over, I calm down enough to sit down and watch the clouds. And... yeah. The day goes by kinda slowly. But when I get up again, I look over and see a kid crossing Nugget Bridge. At first, he seems like he's about to press on straight for Route 24, but to my surprise he turns left and starts walking my way. I'm really thankful for the company, even if I'll most likely have to be an ass and make him leave.

So the kid comes up to me. I think he's a trainer. He's got this big red hat and pokéballs strapped around is waist and everything. He wants to get into the cave. Well, I want my money's worth, so I stand firm and say, "No." And the kid asks, "Why not?"

The man from yesterday didn't really give me a reply line, so I make one up: "This is Cerulean Cave. Horribly strong pokémon live inside here, and it takes a special trainer to be allowed in. If you want to go in, you'll have to beat the Elite Four, for starters. And you'll also have to make a great achievement."

That really showed him. The kid bolted away like a little Nidoran, piping some affirmation at the top of his lungs, even when he'd gotten too far away for me to hear it. He kept going and going, crossing the bridge and heading for the city at full-speed.

The part about the Pokémon League was pure genius, I think. I mean, what trainer doesn't dream of beating it? That'll definitely keep him busy for a while. Maybe ten years from now I'll be walking past this place and see a full-grown guy with a hat and pokéball belt run up with all his badges and wait to get his end of the deal. I know what I'd say. I'd say: "Oh, great achievement? I meant be the top student in your class!"

-Day 3-  
= = =

Now that I think about it, guards have a pretty hard job. Sure, it may seem easy to the regular fellow, but it's a lot of hard work. It takes a lot of willpower to stand in one spot, and I don't think many people could do it. I think I have some sort of talent for this, and that's probably why I haven't left yet. Heck, that might be why I got chosen in the first place.

Another thing that makes this job hard are the idiots that can't understand the meaning of the word 'no'. You see them everywhere, but when you're a guard, you really have to gather up your patience to deal with them. I'll make an example out of my second visitor.

A boy showed up around noon, and he looked even younger than the first one. He was wearing a baseball cap and a pair of shorts that I think were bit too small for him. He comes up to me and says, "Can I go into the cave?" I say, "No." He says, "Please?" And I say, "No." He says, "Please?" I say, "No," again. It went on like this for about ten minutes, then the kid finally got tired of me. He stomped his foot and said, "You suck!" Then he ran away.

See what I mean? People are idiots.

-Day 5-  
= = =

Okay, the fifth day passes by, and I admit, curiosity is getting the better of me. It's come practically to the point of obsession. I. Have. To. Find. Out. What. Is. In. The. Cave. Now.

But shady characters with 'R's on their uniforms tend to show up in unexpected places. For all I know, I'm probably being monitored by a full squad of gunmen that will club me to death with maces if I try to enter the cave. With today's technology, anything's possible. So yeah, I gotta be careful. First I take a good look around to see if anyone's watching, then when I feel safe, I take a backwards step inside.

The first thing I notice is that the ground is a bit mushy, like there's an underground lake nearby or something. And the dirt is gray, not brown like the regular dirt outside. I look around, and see that the walls are the same color, and are covered in this weird green algae that grows in the cracks between the rock. Whatever it is, I'm definitely not gonna touch it.

Nothing happens to me, so I turn around and take a few more steps inside. I'm a bit more confident now, also relieved because it's much cooler in here. Now that there's no sun beating down on my face, I can open my eyes all the way and see everything in detail.

I was right about the lake thing — there's a narrow stream that begins almost right near the entrance and gets wider and wider until it fills the whole width of the cave, from one wall to the other. There are a few little rock islands peeking out from the water, and on the opposite bank I see a lot of ledges and pathways that lead deeper in. The water's this healthy shade of blue, and I could tell that it was really clean and good for drinking. Overall, it seemed like a regular innocent cave. I just might be able to sleep here...

But while I'm busy thinking that, I feel a sharp pain in my ankle that immediately snaps me awake. I panic, give this high-pitched girly scream, and jump back about five feet. Turns out, there was a Zubat right there on the floor. It was a scrawny little thing, with tiny teeth that didn't even look that pointy. But if there's one thing I've learned in life, it's never underestimate puny pokémon. Because this one right here almost tore off a whole chunk of my leg. I kick at it a little to make it go away, still keeping a good distance. The Zubat thumps its wings against the ground, then it crawls back into a gap between two boulders, never to be seen again.

At that point, I kinda realized that there might have been some truth to my made-up phrase from earlier. And if I'm making other people stay out of this place, I might as well stay out too.

-Day 6-  
= = =

My next visitor is a girl. Brown hair, pretty tall, and she's got this huge white hat. Weird, but I guess some people don't like sunglasses. Well, surprise surprise, she wants to get into the cave too. Of course, my reply is "No." I was ready to defend my position again, but she surprised me a little by not arguing. She just perked her little eyebrows, and walked away without another word.

I'm beginning to wonder if any of these 'visits' could be tests to make sure I'm doing my job. It would make sense too, so I'll have to be on constant lookout from now on. If one person catches me goofing off, they could report directly to the authorities.

-Day 7-  
= = =

Well, it's the end of my first week at the cave, and I'm proud to say that I've developed a pretty good way of surviving. I found out that there was an Oran bush nearby that's really been stocking up on the berries. I eat three of those for breakfast, three for lunch, and three for dinner. The river is comfortably close, so I get my water from there. It's enough to keep me alive, but I still want something else. I fantasize about running to the city and getting a burger or something, but then I always remember the part about the hidden snipers.

And... yeah.

My new way of living reminds me of those survival shows where people who survive a plane crash have to live for weeks in the desert. It's kinda hard to relate to their situation when you're sitting on your couch with a bag of popcorn, but now I totally understand where they're coming from. Every day for me is a battle. The Oran bush is really hard to pick, and of course, it'll run out of berries at some point, so I know I can't get too comfortable with it. I'll have to think of another good food source before it's too late. The water from the river isn't the cleanest either; it has all these chunks of dirt from the river bottom, so I have to filter it through my shirt. I don't know if that works, but I guess if it's on TV then it must have some truth to it. I haven't died yet either. That's a plus.

-Day 10-  
= = =

The girl with the white hat came by again today. She still won't say anything. All she does is walk past me with that eerie, knowing look on her face. I think she's using some sort of strategy to get me to run away from the cave, but I'm telling you, it's not gonna work. When you're a guard, you have to be prepared for anything and everything.

But honestly, she's starting to scare me a little. For the past few days, she's been coming first thing in the morning, then around noon, then during the evening like clockwork. And she still won't talk! She just walks past like it's her daily routine or something. I pretend not to care, but between you and me, I'd rather have someone scream in my face.

-Day 11-  
= = =

Remember when I said that the boy in the red cap would be back? Well, I was right.

Except he wasn't a fully-grown man who had wasted his whole life chasing an empty dream or anything. He was pretty much the same. He came in the early evening, when it was just beginning to get dark. And here's the thing – he wasn't alone. He brought a whole posse of tough-looking guys with him. They cornered me right in front of the entrance, then their leader came up to me and jabbed his fingernail into my ribs. I thought it was really rude of him, and it hurt too.

"Listen, punk. You're gonna stand aside for me and my buddies, and you're not gonna tell anyone about it. Understand?"

There comes a time in a man's life when he has to stand up and fend for himself. And that time was upon me. I was getting ready to throw a really hard punch, but before I could, the kid stumbled back with a yell and started rubbing the back of his head. Seconds later, two of his friends did the same thing. They began hopping on their toes and slapping their hands all over their bodies like a bunch of toddlers.

I was a little confused at first, but then I saw that the boys were being pelted from above by a bunch of tiny stones. They were flying out from somewhere over my head, and were hitting their targets with tiny little _plunk_ sounds. I couldn't tell who they were coming from (or what, for that matter), but they were sure as hell doing their job. The rocks hit the boys on the knees, the arms, and generally everywhere else. They tried to fight them off for a while, but there's only so much you can do when you don't know what's attacking you. Eventually, the kids gave up and ran away.

That really got me scared. Either I was just saved by a mystical force, or there really are people watching my every move. All I know is, I'm never setting foot in that cave again.

-Day 12-  
= = =

I got a little happy after the rock incident yesterday, because I thought I might be blessed or something. But all that drained away today. And the reason for that was that this morning, the kid in the red cap came back. Again. This time, though, I could tell he was at the end of his string.

He literally broke down and kneeled at my feet like I was some sort of god and got into this ten-minute monologue on why I should step aside and let him enter the cave. He included some stuff about his PokéDex, his mom, and other things I really didn't care about. Right in the middle of it, he started crying. And I don't get why. I mean, it's just a cave. There are caves all around Kanto – go find you own. But after a while, the kid started getting really whiny and annoying, so I finally decided to take advantage of it.

"Listen, kid," I said. I put my hand on his shoulder for effect. "I understand perfectly. And I'll let you into the cave. All I want is one favor."

Immediately, his eyes widen and he leans in closer. Score.

"All right," I said. "What I want you to do is go into the city and bring me back a burger with some fries. Guarding this place isn't easy, and I want to be sure that you care before I let you in."

The kid smiled at me and ran off, just like that. He came back about an hour later with a large to-go box. I have to admit, I was surprised he went through with the deal. If that were me, I'd just call it quits and go home.

I opened up the box and found a warm, juicy burger inside with a pile of French fries. The cheese on the meat was all melted, just the way I like it. My mouth was beginning to water, but the kid was staring at me like he was waiting for something. I needed something to stall him with, so I ordered a drink to keep him busy. At this rate, I figure I could keep him running for weeks. Life is looking up.

-Day 14-  
= = =

All right, I am officially sick of this job. Want to know why? I'll say it plainly — it sucks.

For one thing, the boy with the red cap stopped bringing me food. For a while there, I was actually getting pretty happy about him giving me meals because I thought my berry-picking days were over. But apparently, they weren't. Today he just showed up and started yelling at me for not being 'trustworthy' and bossing him around. He didn't give me a chance to reply either, he just kicked me on the side with his sneakers and left. Whatever happened to caring and understanding? He didn't even bring me a final burger or anything to announce his resignation.

Speaking of resignation, I am seriously beginning to consider it. I mean, look at the facts. I have nothing to do all day. I'm living on berries and water from a river, which is less than satisfying. And just because I'm not allowed to leave my post, people think they can do whatever they want when they're around me.

Like today, there was one girl who came up along the opposite bank, stopped, and began staring at me. She didn't say anything either, just stood there with her arms crossed. I tried to ask her what she was doing, but she didn't answer. Then, after a while, she started throwing things at me. Of course I couldn't do anything about it, but I think she knew that. (I'm telling you, word gets around pretty fast in Cerulean.)

And this girl had pretty good aim. She hit me about five times on shoulder and four in the stomach. I was practically on the road to becoming a handicap. One rock barely missed my head, and that was because I ducked. Three more kids joined in along the way, and the next thing I know, there's practically a party going on. Throw Rocks at the Dumb Guard Day or something. Seriously, what have I done to make so many people hate me? Can't they understand that I'm only doing it for the money?

-Day 15-  
= = =

Okay, so after my second week of pain and suffering, the red 'R' dude finally shows up in his little metal boat. He tells me that I've done a good job, but honestly, I think I deserve more than a pat on the back. He gives me my pay, which by now seems pretty small compared to what I had to sacrifice to get it. Then, he tells me to go home. Just like that. I'm not needed anymore. Goodbye, Joe.

Well, that really made me reevaluate my choices in life. My mom always told me not to let anyone take advantage of me no matter what, but I guess I kinda broke that rule already. Now I'll have to lay low for a while to make sure none of the trainers recognize me when I'm out and about. Come to think of it, I don't want _anyone_ in town to realize it was me, because I don't think it'll look too good if someday I try to apply for something more serious, and my would-be boss finds out that I stood in front of a cave for two weeks for a thousand dollars. He'd probably think I'm desperate.

I figure that with me gone, the trainers will start flocking to that cave in droves. But honestly, I don't mind anymore. They'll see that it's nothing interesting, except for a little Zubat that'll come out at them from behind the rocks and hopefully get back at them for me. Whatever that red 'R' dude wanted with that cave, or whether he even got it, is officially not my problem. I'm just glad I can go home.

On the bright side, my newly-gained freedom really gives me a chance to think over these past few days. I mean, they weren't all bad. Technically, it was the most interesting thing that happened to me in years. I got to live like a professional survivor in the wilderness (even though there was a city less than a mile away) and learned a thing or two about the natures of different types of people. My mom used to tell me that for every experience in life, there's a lesson to be learned. My lesson?

I'm never going to be a guard again.


End file.
